Funny Quotes

“..sometimes it can get a little… rough. Will you stop bouncing up and down like that.”
“You can’t blame a Demon for getting excited. Hurry up and finish the safety briefing so we can get to the fun stuff.”
― Jane Cousins, A Demon Is Forever

“But your most insidious chronic problem is in the area of, how shall I put this precisely, subordination. You argue too much.”
“No I don’t!” Miles began indignantly, then shut his mouth.
Cecil flashed a grin. “Quite. Plus your rather irritating habit of treating your superior officers as your…uh…” Cecil paused apparently groping again for just the right word.
“Equals?” Miles hazarded.
“Cattle.” Cecil corrected judiciously. To be driven to your will.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, The Vor Game

“Are you going to come down or do I need to set the apothecary on fire?'

'That threat might work better if you actually had a torch,' Castor replied.”
― Stephanie Garber, A Curse for True Love

“I get it. He's hard to get to know. He comes across kind of--"

"Boring. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do when you're not in the room with us. I say something and he gets all stiff and polite and sits there like a lump and I want to poke him with a stick to get him to do something.”
― Sidney Bell, This Is Not the End

“They ease into a third week, and a fourth, and then a weekend comes when there's absolutely nothing scheduled. Cal thinks they must be about to tell him to go home for five damn minutes at least, but then Anya mentions antiquing, which is something Cal has never done. When he says so, she freaks out, and it turns out that what he must do has nothing to do with going home and everything to do with picking through other people's decrepit, smelly, abandoned old furniture.”
― Sidney Bell, This Is Not the End

“What's that?" Zac asks suspiciously.

Cal looks at the bag in fake surprise, as if shocked by its presence. "I don't know. It's a mystery. We should check." He glances inside, frowns, and then says to Zac, "It looks like it's a bag full of none of your business.”
― Sidney Bell, This Is Not the End

“I'll bet you ten bucks."

"You're a multi-millionaire. Ten bucks is embarrassing. What the hell? I'm disgusted.”
― Sidney Bell, This Is Not the End

“Now make that other bag of popcorn. I need it. Put it in. In. Now."

"Your popcorn talk is a lot like your sex talk.”
― Sidney Bell, This Is Not the End

“Atticus: I've been working there four fucking weeks! I'm going to be eating ramen noodles for the rest of my life.

Asher: Never tried them.

Atticus: Dude, fucking disgusting. Trust me.
Asher: Matilda's making roast au jus for dinner tonight with those homemade Yorkshire puddings you like.

Atticus: I hate you. Loathe. Despise. Basically every synonym for hate there is.

Asher: Call me?

My phone rang a minute later, and I whined long and loud into the receiver in place of saying hello. I'd been accused of being overly dramatic in the past. There might be some truth behind it.

Asher chuckled. "You're pathetic."

"Why have you not run away with me? We've been separated. I can't stand it. It's like the individual cells in my body are trying to divide again and make another you. It hurts. I can't do it twice." I whimpered again for emphasis. "Ash, I'm screwed, and not in the bend me over the hood of the Jag and pound my ass type of way. The bad way. The painful way. The oh-crap-my-bank-account-is-in-the-negative way. I'm fast running out of ideas, and you're over there living the high life and eating roast au jus with my goddamn Yorkshire puddings."

"I get the sense you're trying to tell me something, but whatever it is, it's getting lost in translation. You're rambling. What's going on? Speak-a the English. What's the problem?"

"What isn't the problem? I'm poor and miserable. I was not ready for adulthood this soon. Tell Mom and Dad it was all lies. It was a phase. I'm over it. Ha, good joke, right?"

"Riiight, and how do you propose I magically make the burned image of your mouth around Ryan Vector's cock disappear from Matilda's mind?"

"Fuck. You know what? We don't need a housekeeper. Fire her ass! Tell Mom and Dad she's a big fat liar who lies and hates me. Tell them she's stealing from them. She's an illegal immigrant! No, tell them, she's a housekeeper by day and a hooker by night. I saw her walking the streets of Fifth Avenue after sundown in a mini skirt and fishnet stockings."

I paused, envisioning our sixty-year-old housekeeper/used-to-be-nanny in that kind of attire. Asher and I both audibly ewwed at the exact same time.

"Dude, that's fucking gross as shit, and you know it. I just threw up in my mouth. Why would you put that image in my head?"

"I regret many of my life decisions. Add it to the list. Ash, I'm serious. Just make something up. Get rid of her. We don't need a housekeeper, and we're long past requiring a nanny. Especially one who walks into rooms without knocking. What was she thinking?"

"The door wasn't closed."

"Not the time, Ash!"

"Okay, so let's pretend for five minutes Matilda dies in a horrible car crash."

"We could make that happen.”
― Nicky James, End Scene

“Jay gave him an assessing once-over. "You're straight, aren't you?"

Asher frowned. "How did you know?"

Jay rolled his eyes and grinned. "You've got a straight guy vibe. I sensed it the minute you walked in." Jay's attention turned to me. His smile softened, and his eyes sparkled. "But you are definitely gay."

"Yeah, and so are you."

"How the hell do you guys do that?" Asher asked.”
― Nicky James, End Scene

“I told you I'd end up being the bottom. Never fails. That's okay. I'm good with it. Whatever. I'm kinda a greedy, demanding bottom in real life anyhow, so not much to act."

Asher turned to me, horrified.

"And that was the wrong thing to tell my brother. I see that now.”
― Nicky James, End Scene

“Time has no meaning. I feel as if I have been left in the desert to die and am waiting eagerly for the vultures to begin their work and end my misery.”
― Libba Bray, A Great and Terrible Beauty

“And if you call me baby again, I'll make you go to the gym with me in the morning."

My eyes widened, and I shoved Asher to the door. "Be gone, you evil demon. Go. I curse you and your threats.”
― Nicky James, End Scene

“Maybe you should fuck it out of me. I think, with effort, it might work. You'll have to be persistent. I'm slow on the uptake."

He chuckled and licked the shell of my ear, sucking the lobe into his mouth. "Oh yeah? How many times would it take before you learned?"

"Hundreds. Thousands. It'd be a huge task, but it would work. I believe in you. You can cure this terrible evil that makes me say things I don't mean.”
― Nicky James, End Scene

“He's overreacting, man. You know how these rich folks are," Calder hedged, refusing to admit to any wrongdoing until he knew what Linc knew.

Charged silence filled the room as Linc fixed him with a dead stare. "You fucked his wife... and his son."

Yep. There it was. What could he say? "Not at the same time?"

Calder wondered which one of them blabbed. Probably the housekeeper. At least Linc didn't know about her. He hoped.

Linc flopped back in his chair, exasperation leeching into his tone. "Your job is to keep his family alive, not stick your dick in them."

Calder snorted, another grin spreading over his face. "Did they die?" he drawled, letting the Texan seep into his voice. "No. In fact, it might be the first time they ever truly lived. My dick changes lives, man."

"Stop sticking your magical dick in my clients," Linc boomed.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“Linc, I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I feel the need to point out that both you and Shepherd married the only clients you were ever charged with watching. Hell, at this point Jackson might as well call this place Elite Protection and Matchmaking Services. I submit that I'm being unfairly targeted and punished not because I fuck our clients but because I just refuse to marry all of them afterwards, and honestly, it's starting to feel a bit like discrimination.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“This woman… this woman was her favorite. Crush, love, whatever.”
― R.R. Turock, Place of the War Horse

“He’d slam his fist into the wall in frustration but the wall was sure to slam back with greater devastation.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, The Vor Game

“I'll ask you one more time, then you lose the eye. And I almost hope you don't answer, because I'd love to cut out your eye...”
― Stephanie Garber, A Curse for True Love

“Did you do this?' she asked.

'That wouldn't have been very kind of me.'

Evangeline's eyes drifted towards the blood spattered on his pale shirt. 'Would you describe yourself as kind?'

'Not at all. But I think you already know that.”
― Stephanie Garber, A Curse for True Love

“Assaulting a police officer? Angel face in there? The kid is the personification of a basket of kittens. What did he assault him with? Kindness?"

Linc's lips twitched as he tried to keep a straight face. "A twelve-inch black dildo known as the 'hole wrecker'.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“Calder stopped at the conference room door where Robby sat snuggling his demonic looking dog. "Come on, angel face. I'm gonna give you a ride."

Charlie choked on a laugh. "Well, damn, Calder. Right here in the conference room. I thought only Linc was allowed to do that."

"Get thee behind me, hooker Barbie. I have no time for your forked tongue today.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“How about you just let me lead and stop thinking so hard?"

Robby slapped his hands over his face. "You have no idea what you're asking of me. I don't drive because I spend my life in fear of having to parallel park.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“We have plenty of time for whatever dirty thoughts are swirling around in that pretty head of yours later. This is important."

Robby stomped his foot and whined in what Calder could only describe as a hissy fit. He bit down on his lower lip to keep from laughing as the boy said, "Is it? Why? I hired you to protect me. I don't want to hit anybody, and I don't want anybody hitting me. I don't like being hit in the face. I don't like being hit at all. The whole point of hiring you was so that you will keep people from hitting me.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“Fine. But if this goes sideways, it's on you."

Calder winced. "Well, funny you should say that..."

"I'm going to rehire you just so I can fire your ass.”
― Onley James, Exasperating

“We were way too different. I was fun. He was not. I was happy. He was like Squidward from SpongeBob.”
― Riley Hart, Pretty Perfect

“Excuse me?” That tone was also all his mother's. Adrian sounded like he'd be asking to see Beck's manager any second now.”
― Lynn Van Dorn, Meet Me At Midnight

“Unfortunately, Beck and Adrian weren’t allowed to sleep, either. Maybe two minutes after they’d snuggled into each other, and Adrian was about to get his nap on, there was a relentless pounding on Beck’s door.

Beck grabbed something and threw it at the door. Not the lube, Adrian hoped. Whatever it was made a satisfactory thud. “Go the fuck away," Beck bellowed.

“What the hell is going on in there? Half the frat is complaining you woke them up. The other half is bitching that you’re having way too much fun and it’s rude to not share with everyone.” Adrian recognized the voice. It was Travis, the frat President, and he sounded super butthurt.

“No sharing,” Beck bellowed. “Get your own twink.”

“What?” Travis yelled back.

Beck got out of bed and flung open the door. On the other side was Travis, and behind him was an assortment of other brothers. Most of them Adrian knew by sight but couldn’t put names to the faces.

“Go away,” Beck snarled at Travis. “You’re harshing my afterglow.”

“You’re naked,” Travis pointed out. He seemed confused as he looked over Beck’s shoulder and saw Adrian in Beck’s bed. Adrian gave Travis a little wave with his fingers. “And there’s a dude in your bed.”

“Thank you, Captain Observation. Go. Away.”

“But you’re not gay.” Travis glanced at some of the brothers who stood behind him like he was searching for moral support. “Right?”

“None of your fucking business. In future, we’ll try to keep down the noise. I think I need to muzzle the kid. Or maybe just keep my dick in his mouth.”

Adrian grinned. He had no idea how long Beck’s attraction would last, but he decided he was gonna ride that gravy train as long as possible. “But then you couldn’t fuck my tight ass, Daddy,” he called out. The brothers outside the room looked shocked, like they were a bunch of middle-aged white women who’d been shown porn for the first time. It was fucking hilarious and Adrian couldn’t help but giggle.

Beck turned back to him. “This is true, and your ass is very fine. Ball gag it is.” He turned back to Travis. “Does a ball gag work for you?”

“I… what?” Travis’ voice had gone weak and plaintive. It was clear he no longer wished to be a part of the conversation.

“A. Ball. Gag. Used for stifling the noises made by twinks who are apparently screamers. I had no idea the kid was gonna be a screamer, Travis. Hell, I had no idea he was hiding in my bathroom, spying on me. But thanks to that glory hole bullshit, I did know that the kid could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and that’s not a skill I think should go to waste. So he’s mine now. He’s gonna move his shit out of the basement and into my room. And he’s mine, you get me? No one lays even the tiniest finger on him. Fuck. Don’t even look at him cross-eyed. Mine. Get your own twinks.”
― Lynn Van Dorn, Meet Me At Midnight

“You can’t kick him out for being gay,” the one called Craig persisted. He was hard for Adrian to see, as he seemed a bit shorter than the other brothers and was in the back. “It’s against our charter, not to mention university policy.”

“Plus,” Adrian called out, feeling he should contribute in some useful way, “he’s not gay.” All eyes turned to him, including Beck’s, which twinkled with humor. Adrian could really fall for a guy with those wicked blue eyes. “No, really. He’s probably bi. Maybe pan. God. Get your terminology straight.”

A laugh erupted in the hallway. “Schooled by the gay guy. Burn.”

“We don’t know he’s gay,” said another voice. “Maybe he’s bi or whatever that other one was.”

“He’s gay,” Adrian called out. “I’m a lot less fluid than Beck. If it matters.” He gave the brothers a big thumbs up. Beck bit his lip and looked like he wanted to burst out laughing.

“Anyway,” continued Craig, “if we kick him out, he can sue us. His dad’s a lawyer, remember?”

“Yeah,” Beck agreed. “I don’t see any of that going well for you. Stop being homophobic dickbags, guys.”

“I wasn’t being homophobic,” said one brother. “Don’t look at me.”

“Then why the fuck are you with the dickbag posse?” asked Beck with a frown.

“Dude. You woke me up and I didn’t get in until way late last night. Not cool. Keep it down, okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. My bad. Our bad. We’ll definitely work on that.”

“Sweet,” the not-homophobic brother said. He held up his fist for Beck to bump, which he did. “I’m going back to bed,” he announced, then fucked off.”
― Lynn Van Dorn, Meet Me At Midnight

“Beck tilted Adrian’s face up so he could kiss it. “Conveniently enough, your boyfriend is good at math. I’ll get you through it. Then you can figure something out. You’re just a freshman. You’ve got time.”

Adrian’s heart swooped. “Boyfriend?”

“Well, I can’t go around telling everyone you’re my sex slave. That’s weird. People will frown.”
― Lynn Van Dorn, Meet Me At Midnight