Funny Quotes

“If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.”
― David Cook

“To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.”
― Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”
― Mark A. Cooper, Royal Decree

“Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
― Lisi Harrison, The Clique

“The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
― John Green

“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?

"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”
― Cassandra Clare

“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.”
― Maria Semple, Where'd You Go, Bernadette

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
― George Carlin

“I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.”
― Jess C Scott, New Order

“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

“I passed out from stress? That’s it?”
“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.”
― Marissa Meyer, Winter

“If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

“Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?'
'No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."
The girls stared. "Syphilis?"
"Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully.
"I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"
"Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.”
― Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight

“Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed”
― Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14

“I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

“Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.
Ezra: You're taping this, right?
Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.
Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.
Interviewer: Mr. Mason...
Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.
Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.
Ezra: Look at it wiggl-
-audio ends-”
― Amie Kaufman, Illuminae

“Why don't Fjerdans let girls fight?"

"They don't want to fight."

"How do you know? Have you ever asked one?"

"Fjerdan women are to be venerated, protected."

"That's probably a wise policy."

"It is?"

"Think how embarrassing it would be for you when you got trounced by a Fjerdan girl.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

“I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Nice costume," he said.

"Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours."

Amusement curled his mouth. "If you don't like it, I can take it off.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Finale

“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
”
― Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

“My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.”
― Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

“Please, touch me, I pray.”
― Jess C Scott, The Intern

“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!”
― Shannon L. Alder